The wife says that yes, he could. Bark is on tree, trees are in nature. Submitted by Ken MacKay. Hes in the village over the other direction.. Im talking to that little jerk on your knee!, Im always struck by the unbridled optimism of conspiracy theorists. He says to the man, "We're going to have to give you a drug test.". Whod want to fly an airline that doesnt go all the way? I turned to a man who had been waiting alongside me the whole time and said, Sir, how long have you been waiting?, He looked at his watch and said, Since last year. Misir Doobay, Toronto. Im doing great! Members call in sick, but they all show up for the meeting. Is that the dog were supposed to be aware of? he asks the owner. Next, he moves into the dining room. I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue? I said No, just a watch. Back on the phone, the guy says, OK, now what?, A turtle is crossing the road when hes mugged by two snails. Ive spent the week with seven beautiful women. Do not fret, my son, says the priest. Id like to start with the chimney jokes Ive got a stack of them. 'Submitted by John Langley. Im following the one who called me miss. The Hello, maam one should take note. @anniemumary. Then they responded, confused, Excuse me, maam, but youre at Tim Hortons. Submitted by Wendy Singedonk. "Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer. There, on the front cover, was a red circle around my misspelled name. The best way to make a serious impact with a smartass quote is to deliver it, turn on your heel, and walk away. Aha! Jokes > Funny Insults > You're stupid 15 Next time you're at a loss for words, try out one of these one-liners andwatch your popularity soar!*. Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not Milton Jones, What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Years back, a group of hunters from the United States came up to shoot some birds. Theres no menu, you only get what you deserve. Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year. How are you?, OK, says the first producer. Mom: Where buy chicken Daughter: Mom, this isnt Google. Submitted by Terry Sangster. A: One, but he waits until the last minute to cram it in. All rights reserved. A gnome, comes the reply. I figured her sister must also be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why. Instantly, the car appears on the beach. Hello, said the agent, Im looking for a man called Murphy., Well youre in luck, said the farmer. He told me to stop going there. ", "Well I'm sure everybody here already knows about Murphy's Lawbut you guysprobablydon't know about Cole's law, am I right? I take that as a compliment. What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way? she demands. ._9ZuQyDXhFth1qKJF4KNm8{padding:12px 12px 40px}._2iNJX36LR2tMHx_unzEkVM,._1JmnMJclrTwTPpAip5U_Hm{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText);margin-bottom:40px;padding-top:4px;text-align:left;margin-right:28px}._2iNJX36LR2tMHx_unzEkVM{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._2iNJX36LR2tMHx_unzEkVM ._24r4TaTKqNLBGA3VgswFrN{margin-left:6px}._306gA2lxjCHX44ssikUp3O{margin-bottom:32px}._1Omf6afKRpv3RKNCWjIyJ4{font-size:18px;font-weight:500;line-height:22px;border-bottom:2px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line);color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText);margin-bottom:8px;padding-bottom:8px}._2Ss7VGMX-UPKt9NhFRtgTz{margin-bottom:24px}._3vWu4F9B4X4Yc-Gm86-FMP{border-bottom:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line);margin-bottom:8px;padding-bottom:2px}._3vWu4F9B4X4Yc-Gm86-FMP:last-of-type{border-bottom-width:0}._2qAEe8HGjtHsuKsHqNCa9u{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText);padding-bottom:8px;padding-top:8px}.c5RWd-O3CYE-XSLdTyjtI{padding:8px 0}._3whORKuQps-WQpSceAyHuF{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon);margin-bottom:8px}._1Qk-ka6_CJz1fU3OUfeznu{margin-bottom:8px}._3ds8Wk2l32hr3hLddQshhG{font-weight:500}._1h0r6vtgOzgWtu-GNBO6Yb,._3ds8Wk2l32hr3hLddQshhG{font-size:12px;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._1h0r6vtgOzgWtu-GNBO6Yb{font-weight:400}.horIoLCod23xkzt7MmTpC{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:#ea0027}._33Iw1wpNZ-uhC05tWsB9xi{margin-top:24px}._2M7LQbQxH40ingJ9h9RslL{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon);margin-bottom:8px} Bless me father, for I have sinned, he says. A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, Brown bears are usually harmless. Being broken up with. Well done, you managed to deliver the perfect insult or smartass line. you couldn't kick jokes - Johnnyroadtrip.com Theres just one condition. "A thief broke into the police headquarters during the night and took all the toilets. A car hit an elderly man. More jokes: 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh . Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?, 18. Toughest job I ever had? Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley Honey, whats for supper? No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. The Hepatitis Bee. Milton Jones, Hedgehogs why cant they just share the hedge? Dan Antolpolski, The pollen count, now thats a difficult job. He thinks for a second before saying, Food bad., Its the big day, a decade later. These are the funniest lawyer jokes of all time. Have you popped into that new coffee shop across the street yet? asks one. Check out 30 New Years jokes that will have you laughing out loud. Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep on the floor. Because he broke all the records. Here are the fascinating origins of classic jokes. You can use these yo mama jokes as good comebacks in an argument. My computer's got the Miley virus. The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team There was a moment of silence before the woman replied, Im wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked No Refills.Submitted by Roy Warner, An elderly gentleman walked into an upscale cocktail lounge. I thought: Hes trying to pull a fast one. Except at a funeral.Demetri Martin, A guy walks into a dentists office and says, I think Im a moth., The dentist replies, You shouldnt be here. Submitted by Ryan George, Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. How will you escape this highly dangerous situation? 25 of Spike Milligans greatest gags Since shes in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. The gentleman walked over, sat beside her, ordered a drink, then turned to her to ask, Tell me, good-looking, do I come here often?Submitted by Bill Warren. Kid 1: "I don't have a sister.". Are they afraid someone will clean them? George Carlin, My sunglasses are prescription so if theyre stolen, it becomes two people who cant see. @kimtopher22, What happens when you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN? We dont serve your type! shouts the barman. It was a long, dramatic, drawn-out way of telling us to shut-up. First, lets make sure hes dead., Theres a silence, then a shot. I was always told it was piss in the boot. What's a cat's favorite dessert? Submitted by Chelsea Larson, I was out walking with my daughters one evening when, suddenly, my two-year-old looked up and asked, Who folded the moon? Submitted by Julianna Waldner. I was browsing in the mens department at Neiman Marcus when a knitted black designer blazer caught my eye. The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off. As they are walking out of the restaurant, Jenna starts to rifle through her purse to find her keys. As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, Occupation?. Menu. Two weeks after I had photos taken of my baby, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a colour monitor. Reddit.com. Just received a card full of rice. This is one of the times in life when you should keep a straight face. Hes now a seasoned veteran. These hilarious tweets are guaranteed to make you grin! As he tried to catch his breath, the passenger said, Im sorry I gave you a joltit was my fault. No, it was mine, the driver said. What are you doing! says the husband. I couldn't believe the . The bear shrugged. I never knew my real ladder. Keep these funny holiday jokes in mind for your next party! Weinstein, Last night I was walking home and took a shortcut through the cemetery. Monica Hesse, writer, A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! If you smile whilst youre giving your smartass quote, youre going to take away its power. Is it true, she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? Yes, Im afraid so, said the doctor. The bartender says, Whatll you have? The skeleton says, Gimme a beer and a mop.. It is ranked top 3 sports in America. Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Im a lawyers genie, so for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the same thing, only double. After thinking a moment, the man says, For my first wish, I would like $10 million. Lawyers will get $20 million, the genie reminds him. He tells the priest that on Friday night, hed been in the bar when he met a young woman. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! I found them. These funny tweets about food are sure to make you smile. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. The wife says that yes, he could. I do, however, want to set fire to all of your stuff. [Read: All the quotes you need while going through a breakup], 15. Dont go down that road. Chuck Norris won an arm . Check out these up-and-coming Canadian comediansand their best jokes! Whether youre looking to tell it like it is, or offer someone a confusing truth about human behavior, these quotes to live by are sure to help you out. You Couldn't Handle Me Even If I Came With Instructions - Funny Husband Wife Joke Gift - 11 OZ Coffee Mug . Me: Yes. When I feel down and someone tells me to suck it up, I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say walk it off.. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. Now, congratulate yourself by all means but do it silently. I have a new TV series airing next week, and everyone says its going to be a hit. I started lusting, Father., Yes, says the priest, Lust is a dangerous sin., Theres more, says the man. Submitted by Fred Meckley, A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him. What are they used for? the captain asks. A gorgeous blonde. Although the tag said it was on sale, it still cost more than I cared to spend. There you have it. By having the last say, youre leaving them dumbfounded and not sure what to say in response. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist climbed to the top of the pile, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. Lets explore the role of humor in an intimate relationship. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times. Milton Jones. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed, Hey, you jerk! You'll walk away feeling victorious! Youve been complaining ever since you got here., Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sometimes life leads you astray with no one to turn to. Everyone can relate to these funny tweets about technology. But they were fully booked. That's why it's helpful to have a good one-liner in your back pocket. "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. ", "I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. Local man killed by falling piano. Hes a catholic converter. Tim Vine. These hilarious golf jokes are better than a hole in one. moments. The son comes home in the afternoon. Thats why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.Dick Gregory, Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie. Just then, a saleswoman appeared. Your secrets are always safe with me. Rod Stewart - Maggie May Lyrics | AZLyrics.com Honey, whats for supper?. They left a little note, it said Parking Fine. Tim Vine. ._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{width:100%}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF,._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF{-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center;max-width:100%}._1CVe5UNoFFPNZQdcj1E7qb{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:4px}._2UOVKq8AASb4UjcU1wrCil{height:28px;width:28px;margin-top:6px}.FB0XngPKpgt3Ui354TbYQ{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:start;align-items:flex-start;-ms-flex-direction:column;flex-direction:column;margin-left:8px;min-width:0}._3tIyrJzJQoNhuwDSYG5PGy{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%}.TIveY2GD5UQpMI7hBO69I{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;color:var(--newRedditTheme-titleText);white-space:nowrap;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis}.e9ybGKB-qvCqbOOAHfFpF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%;max-width:100%;margin-top:2px}.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5{font-weight:400;box-sizing:border-box}._28u73JpPTG4y_Vu5Qute7n{margin-left:4px} Submitted by Tyler Meason, The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. Im having a going-out-of-fitness sale. @johnlyontweets, I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. The blacksmith instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, Ill lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.. That's why we've rounded up that set of (clean) jokes for adults and kids alike that will have the whole family laughing. But doesnt that suit fit great?. Dont drink that, I said. This Teen Pulled A Hilariously Cold "Knock Knock" Joke To Block A Guy After they were caught, they finished each others sentences. Sometimes I wish I was a bird so I could fly over certain people and shit on their heads., 40. Good players are hard to find. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, Pull over!, No! the woman yelled back, Cardigan! Reddit.com, I quit my job working for Nike. Why are you washing it? my brother asked, perplexed. The odds of getting mugged once are 1 in 50. Relationships are a lot like Algebra. From the next room over, my dad yelled, Shes money laundering!Submitted by Shinae Hartley, A farmer sees a chicken strutting across a rural highway. 120+ Football Jokes That Will Score You A Touchdown With Friends You didnt look to your right, yelled the frightened inspector. Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister.". Check out our bestshort jokes! All of these build a cushion of positivity, warmth, and trust between partners. Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier I have been working as a couples therapist for 20 years, and I know how many fights begin because someone cant take a joke.. I used to be freaked out too when I was alive. Ive never seen anyone run that fast! One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. Ten what? Submitted by Jennifer Estlin, Moved by the church service, the richest man in town stood up and addressed the congregation. Thanks! PostedJune 30, 2019 Do you want to get a drink? I heard you the first time! says a small, irritated voice. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He knows I have poor eyesight, so Hes fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! [Read: Backhanded compliment How to react kindly or give back in kind]. In fact, my name is Murphy., Aha, thought the agent, heres my man. So he whispered the secret code: The sun is shining the grass is growing the cows are ready for milking., Oh, said the farmer, youre looking for Murphy the spy. Submitted by Andre Batista. Submitted by Mark Flowerdew, Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. Then, it hit me. I normally have to run to catch the 11:30 bus. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. Could fuck up a two car funeral. From the greats to the random internet memes, this was a list of the best smartass quotes for life, ex-loves, and general sassiness. I was involved in very organised crime. Milton Jones, I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper dicing with death. Tim Vine. You could break a ball bearing with a rubber mallet. you couldn't kick jokes - Natureisyourmedicine.com 2. /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/TopicLinksContainer.3b33fc17a17cec1345d4_.css.map*/, A standard British one is "You couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery.". The person on the other side of the intercom replied, Pardon me? so I repeated myself. A football coach. We went back to her place and made passionate love for hours., The priest pauses. That night I went to a church meeting and the speaker told us about his humanitarian work. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen., 46. Oh yesthe news. Its three in the morning!Anonymous, Fortune tellers are so easy to buy clothes fortheyre all mediums. ", "I was wondering, why does a Frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? So I gave him all the money I had. No, he responded. A bowl full of mice-cream. Liked what you just read? You think Im cute when Im angry? Never again. Reviewed by Ekua Hagan. Both as a joke, but also because she was peeved, Alyshah then moved . They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. He downs it, leaps off the roofand plummets 15 stories to the ground. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. Jim nervously mimicked her. Whats it called? She then reassured him by adding, Now, if you do everything Ive told you, you wont be with us for long.. When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this.". In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. Its shift work. ", "If life givesyou melons, you might be dyslexic. What can I do?, The operator says, Calm down. What did the baby corn say to its mom? A: Get off the carousel. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him., They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Keep rolling your eyes. Im addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want. Most of us aren't stand-up comedians, and we don't walk around with a full repertoire of funny jokes to share at parties. Why does my brother always attack my knees playfully? Ive used too much! Submitted by Andrew Bird, I was mugged twice last year. Nasty ex sniffing around? Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? They were having an ongoing conversation on Snapchat when he stopped responding last week. When tea was served, the Queen removed her cup from her saucer. 25 Clever Jokes That'll Make You Sound Smart | Reader's Digest Its called balance., 3. I listened in and overheard Mitch say to Matt, Even if you were an only child, you still wouldnt be Mom and Dads favourite. Submitted by Denise Horn, While working the beverage cart at the local golf course, a customer asked me if I could go back to the previous green to see if she had left her sandwich there. 70 Hilariously Funny Jokes - Absolutely Hilarious Jokes to Tell You cross my mind only on Thursday morning. You could read it as "seriously" or as "a joke didn't walk into the . I love this saying: An intimate relationship is improved by the two or three things we dont say each day. 15. God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. Robin Williams, 5. After several readings, I couldnt find my mistake. A mug is placed between his hands. However, if you can do the raised eyebrow look, it will add a dose of irony and really? to your quote. 50 of the best lines from Peep Show But again the camera flashed. and Photobombed. Thanks for pretending not to see me when I was pretending not to see you in order to avoid a miserably awkward conversation that neither of us wanted to have., 25. Dont miss these bad jokes you cant help but laugh at. You know, says the crook, this is more than I wanted to spend. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as hes dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, Daddy! How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, The Innate Intelligence Observed in the Dying Process. Dont miss these wild tales of the worlds dumbest criminals. A talking clock? The first little boy says, Ill have some @#$%^& pancakes., The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing. The good stuff includes deep conversations, fun times together, laughter, and play. I think my friend is dead! he yells. Whats that big brass gong for? asked the friend. The older sister paused, then said, Spell mosquito. As they hurtle towards the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings.Anonymous. Check out more bad dad jokes from Twitter that will have you chuckling. The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined. How does NASA organise a party? In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. Youre about to hit a home run and you want to jump in the air and scream yes! because for once you know exactly what to say. Now, sure. Im having a heart attack, cries the woman. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes. If you ran as much as you ran your mouth, youd be in great shape., 43. A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a navy ship finally spots him. I was looking for $150.Anonymous, A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larrys wife. I had spent some time looking for a sandwich on the grass, when a golfer asked me if someone had lost a sand wedge. I couldnt help noticing how happy you look, she said. How do you know? My dog told me.Submitted by Sourabh Bhatia, A man with a huge grin approaches a priest. Submitted by Robert Gallagher, I was at a Canadian Tire, chatting with the young woman at the till. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip. Winston Churchill, 36. Could I have a few words with George?Submitted by David Miteff, An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. Hes telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. Thats just how I roll. George, everyone who sees it there will know what youre doing, she told him in front of their church group. Im just mean and people think Im joking., 35. Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow and the businessman joins in, Yeah, the service stinks! Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch and throws them out of the plane. The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. That evening, he decides to go out. Im okay, he says, but I didnt like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery. What did he say? the nurse asks. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldnt have started with the circumcision.. ", "It's thinly sliced cabbage. Two whales walk into a bar. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. Ken Dodd. 87 FUNNY Soccer Jokes To Get You Laughing! Here are 75 short jokes anyone can remember! What are you doing? the baffled psychiatrist asked. Thats why the suit is such a bargain, the sales clerk explained. Oddly enough it's feminists, One of the UK's smallest towns has an award-winning pub and England's oldest fishing society, 'How bad are the pics? During their visit, they noticed a flatbed of manure nearby. 70. Maybe youll find a brain back there., 45. Id like to lose another 15 pounds first.Submitted by Mary Buoye, Walking along the beach, a man finds a bottle. Sad after the funeral of a friend, my wife and I ducked into a Chinese restaurant for a pick-me-up. BBLTHRW. Making this distinction can help us make amends. Seeing that she is getting upset, Bill comments, Come on. Ill grant you three wishes, the genie says. The floors are so shiny you can see your antennae in them. Why dont you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the collie. ", "I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. You have to touch them all over before they respond. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when hes done, poof, the light goes off?, Oh, no, exclaims Bonnie. "couldn't organise a "? - Google Groups A Hollywood producer calls his friend, another Hollywood producer, on the phone. The shaken turtle replies, I dont know. Math teacher: If I have three bottles in one hand and two in the other hand, what do I have? I laughed at all of your jokes My love you didn't need to coax Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried anymore . One day, I was brushing my teeth in the restroom before a flight when a woman walked in. Some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes 79. Me: Do you think this is the right career for you? We missed the R! Theyre full of small bells.. Smartass quotes. After working late one evening, I stopped at the drive-through on my way home. You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence saying: I just find it funny how Because there is a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny., 30. And what about your strengths? Im Batman.Anonymous, After security tackles you on the red carpet? Want more of the best Readers Digest jokes of all time? Reproduction without explicit permission is prohibited. This bloke said to me: Im going to attack you with the neck of a guitar. I said: Is that a fret? Hold it in. So she brought me in the next day, took me to the manager and said, Okay, here you go!Submitted by Andy Fielding, I was skyping with my three-year-old grandson when he suddenly announced, You can come out of the computer now, Grandma! Submitted by June Pearson, I was driving my three-year-old granddaughter, Nevaeh, to daycare one morning after a heavy snowfall. /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/IdCard.ea0ac1df4e6491a16d39_.css.map*/._2JU2WQDzn5pAlpxqChbxr7{height:16px;margin-right:8px;width:16px}._3E45je-29yDjfFqFcLCXyH{margin-top:16px}._13YtS_rCnVZG1ns2xaCalg{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._1m5fPZN4q3vKVg9SgU43u2{margin-top:12px}._17A-IdW3j1_fI_pN-8tMV-{display:inline-block;margin-bottom:8px;margin-right:5px}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY{border-radius:20px;font-size:12px;font-weight:500;letter-spacing:0;line-height:16px;padding:3px 10px;text-transform:none}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY:focus{outline:unset} Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. !, The second boy says, Well, I sure dont want the @#$%^& pancakes!, An old man goes to confession. A priest is driving along a country road when a trooper pulls him over. @keyframes ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5{0%{transform:rotate(0deg)}to{transform:rotate(1turn)}}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq{--sizePx:0;font-size:4px;position:relative;text-indent:-9999em;border-radius:50%;border:4px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyTextAlpha20);border-left-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);transform:translateZ(0);animation:ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5 1.1s linear infinite}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq,._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{width:var(--sizePx);height:var(--sizePx)}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{border-radius:50%}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq._2qr28EeyPvBWAsPKl-KuWN{margin:0 auto} What do you call a person who walks back and forth screaming one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next? .Rd5g7JmL4Fdk-aZi1-U_V{transition:all .1s linear 0s}._2TMXtA984ePtHXMkOpHNQm{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px;margin-bottom:4px}.CneW1mCG4WJXxJbZl5tzH{border-top:1px solid var(--newRedditTheme-line);margin-top:16px;padding-top:16px}._11ARF4IQO4h3HeKPpPg0xb{transition:all .1s linear 0s;display:none;fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);height:16px;width:16px;vertical-align:middle;margin-bottom:2px;margin-left:4px;cursor:pointer}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:hover ._11ARF4IQO4h3HeKPpPg0xb{display:inline-block}._2IvhQwkgv_7K0Q3R0695Cs{border-radius:4px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line)}._2IvhQwkgv_7K0Q3R0695Cs:focus{outline:none}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B{transition:all .1s linear 0s;border-radius:4px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line)}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:focus{outline:none}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B.IeceazVNz_gGZfKXub0ak,._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:hover{border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk{margin-top:25px;left:-9px}._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP,._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP:focus-within,._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP:hover{transition:all .1s linear 0s;border:none;padding:8px 8px 0}._25yWxLGH4C6j26OKFx8kD5{display:inline}._2YsVWIEj0doZMxreeY6iDG{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;padding:4px 6px}._1hFCAcL4_gkyWN0KM96zgg{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);margin-right:8px;margin-left:auto;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-errorText)}._1hFCAcL4_gkyWN0KM96zgg,._1dF0IdghIrnqkJiUxfswxd{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;cursor:pointer;-ms-flex-item-align:end;align-self:flex-end;-webkit-user-select:none;-ms-user-select:none;user-select:none}._1dF0IdghIrnqkJiUxfswxd{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._3VGrhUu842I3acqBMCoSAq{font-weight:700;color:#ff4500;text-transform:uppercase;margin-right:4px}._3VGrhUu842I3acqBMCoSAq,.edyFgPHILhf5OLH2vk-tk{font-size:12px;line-height:16px}.edyFgPHILhf5OLH2vk-tk{font-weight:400;-ms-flex-preferred-size:100%;flex-basis:100%;margin-bottom:4px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX{margin-top:6px}._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._3MAHaXXXXi9Xrmc_oMPTdP{margin-top:4px}